Sometimes the most powerful insights are the ones that seem obvious—once we finally see them. Three times in the last 10-15 years I’ve had startling insights about relationships and communications with others. These truths should have been obvious, and I’m still perplexed by how long it took me to fully grasp them. The simple nature of my insights may surprise you. But the words offer powerful truths that changed me and may also help you.
1. You cannot listen when you are talking.
Over the years I slowly came to accept that I was a poor listener. It was quiet time, prayer, and reading about communication that helped me realize I would have to talk less in order to become a better listener. This insight also prompted me to explore what motivated me to talk.
2. You may not get exactly what you want when you compromise.
I don’t recall the exact situation that drove this home, but I remember the sinking feeling when I understood that compromise often means not getting your way. Compromise had always sounded like the mature and wise approach, but I learned doing it is harder than talking abut it. I also learned good compromise means everybody wins. .
3. You may disappoint or hurt someone by setting a boundary that’s necessary for your own well-being.
As a child I learned to avoid conflict and always do the “right thing” to please my parents and my teachers. Decades of people-pleasing have made it hard for me to set boundaries, even when I know I need them for my health or growth. I worry someone might feel hurt or disappointed. Setting a limit or taking a stance can make me feel intensely uncomfortable.
I’m a work in progress and hope for more insights in the future. Recently I had the humbling experience of having an emotional meltdown. This created a painful growth opportunity for me which I should value, because, as William S. Burroughs said, “When you stop growing, you start dying.”
SUGGESTIONS:
Open yourself to insights by prioritizing quiet time in your life. Consider prayer, nature walks, or breathing exercises for ten or fifteen minutes a day.
Reflect on your relationship with compromise. This essay might help.
Learn how to set kind but firm boundaries. In this 1-page article by Dr. Brené Brown, she explains why “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.”
Hope you’ve had a good summer. Love and prayers,
Donna
EXTRAS
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Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, her podcast/vlog series, “Engaging with a Messy World” and " “Pop-Up Conversations on Health of Mind, Body, and Spirit,” and programs at her church. She is the author of Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021), a recent best-seller on Amazon, 2022 Illumination Awards Gold Medal Winner, 2022 Reader Views Literary Award Gold Medal Winner, and 2022 Catholic Media Association First Place Awards.
Do you struggle with knowing for sure you are following God’s will? Abraham Lincoln offers a model for us.