Authentic listening is hard. For many of us, talking is easier.
Over time, I gradually realized that I am not a very good listener. I wanted to understand why—and how I might become a better. I quickly saw that talking too much was a big part of my listening problem.
So I asked myself: Why do I talk? What motivates me to speak?
Reflection and study led me to these key observations:
I do not need to say everything that is on my mind. My worries, descriptions of my insomnia or knee pain, or my every opinion and observation do not always need immediate expression. Nothing bad happens when my thoughts remain unspoken. My brain will not explode from unexpressed thoughts. In fact, those quiet moments often lead to peace and perspective.
Knowing my reason for speaking often leads me to talk less, not more. I try to pause and ask: Does my conversation partner really want to hear the details of the book I just read, my recent trip, or my analysis of XYZ? Or are my words a subtle form of self-promotion? I’ve also become aware of my discomfort with silence and my tendency to fill it with nervous drivel.
Sometimes, during a conversation—or afterward—I realize I wasn’t truly listening from the heart. Instead, I was busy preparing my response, solution, similar story, or explanation. Simply recognizing this habit is the first step toward change.
Ancient wisdom, often attributed to the Buddha, suggests that before speaking we should ask ourselves: Are my words true, kind, and necessary?
J. Nicholson observed, “A conversation is never truly aimless. It always has a goal (or goals) driving it, even when we are unconscious of those motivations in our day-to-day exchanges.
Whether our conversations focus on sharing information or building relationships, it helps to ask ourselves why we are speaking—and to be honest about our motives. Try pausing before you speak to ask, Why am I saying this? You may still choose to speak—but more often, you may choose to listen. And over time, that small shift can lead to richer conversations, deeper relationships, and a greater sense of peace within yourself. At least, that is what I am working toward.
Two counterpoints:
We all need close friends with whom we can share freely and be vulnerable—without analyzing every word or motive beforehand.
If you tend to avoid conflict or lean toward people-pleasing, ask yourself whether your silence comes from fear rather than from genuine listening.
Suggestions:
Take a “Talkaholic Scale” self-assessment to reflect on your communication style. My score was 30, which falls in the 30–39 range—“borderline talkaholic.”
Matt Abrahams’ blog “Think Fast, Talk Smart,” explores over-talking and highlights the importance of active listening, asking thoughtful questions, and giving others space to speak. In one interview, Dan Lyons also notes that incorporating silence—through meditation or time in nature—can indirectly help us become better listeners.
God bless each of you,
Donna
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Dr. Donna Chacko promotes health of body, mind, and spirit through her website (serenityandhealth.com), her blog, her podcast/vlog series, “Engaging with a Messy World” and " “Pop-Up Conversations on Health of Mind, Body, and Spirit,” and programs at her church. She is the author of Pilgrimage: A Doctor’s Healing Journey (Luminare Press, 2021), 2022 Illumination Awards Gold Medal Winner, 2022 Reader Views Literary Award Gold Medal Winner, and 2022 Catholic Media Association First Place Awards.
Understanding why you speak before you speak could be transformational.